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Jack Abramoff
not meeting or posing for a photograph with Jack Abramoff.]] Jack Abramoff is a lobbyist who lobbied from time to time for The Baby Jesus and America and for Democrats the rest of the time. Jack Abramoff is the only Jew to join the Future Born Again Christians Club. The two are totally unrelated. What indictment? After leaving government service in the K-Street Branch, Abramoff retired to Florida. Like former Reagan Navy Secretary and Virginia Senator-Elect Jim Webb, Abramoff has turned to literary pursuits. The liberal media has totally fallen for a unique publicity gimmick cooked up by Abramoff's publishers, who have been spoon-feeding them stories about an "indictment" of Abramoff in Florida. Whenever the "news cycle" seems hungry for another nugget, the publishers feed them a so-called revelation of corruption in Washington which is, in truthiness, just a thinly disguised chapter from Abromoff's novel-in-progress. Unfortunately, some actual prosecutors elsewhere in the country have been inspired by these fake leaks and have launched actual investigations into "problems" associated with some actual members of Congress. (All of these prosecutors were, of course, appointed by Bill Clinton. Hundreds of thousands of documents were collected by the Congress during their investigation of Abramoff, none of which were withheld (see graph at left) Literary career He's currently working on what his publisher claims will be a "blockbuster" novel about Washington intrigues. The publisher leaked several copies of the novel to critics and to late White House press secretary Tony Snow. Snow wasn't impressed. He complained in his daily exclusive White House lawn interview with Fox News that the dark and dank world portrayed in the book is "beyond unbelievable." Snow railed against leaked chapters of the book at an October 12th briefing, calling the novel "preposterous" 18 times, "ridiculous" six times, and "unbelievable" four times before summing up: "This is the work of a sick imagination," Snow said. "Sick. Sick. Sick. It's utterly preposterous to think that government grants and programs are for sale. Preposterous. Couldn't happen. At least not in the last five years." Novel plot Critics who have seen the leaked chapters describe the book as a "swashbuckling tale..." and a "sordid peak behind the veils of power." The hero, John Ibreheff, is portrayed as a debonair but devious globe-trotting power-player. He cozies up to country hicks elected to Congress and then offers them access to the finest restaurants and clubs in Washington. He gives them golf trips, seats in exclusive luxury suites, and trips on private planes and yachts. After a few drinks, Ibreheff tells each friend how impressive they are. "You're an American statesman," the character tells one "Rocky Mountain Senator." From the novel: "It would be criminal to lose your voice in Washington, Senator." I gently laid my hand over his to emphasize my concern. "My clients know this. They too are impressed by your vision and fortitude. They want to help you. Nothing in return." I quietly handed him a six-figure check. I raised my palm to indicate, 'It's nothing. No thanks needed,' and slipped him a disclosure form that my secretary had prepared for him. "And, oh, by the way..." My tone changed. On to another subject. The Senator shook his head, already forgetting about the check and disclosure form that he'd stored in his inner coat pocket. "I saw something when I was over in the Pacific the other day. The folks there are in dire need of a widget processing plant. Economy there is devastated without it. Just something I noticed. But I'm sure you share my concern." "Oh, absolutely," said the Senator, who is never too quick at grasping a new subject. "So, I was thinking... Maybe an earmark in that bill you're working on in conference right now. Nothing major. Maybe $6 mil?" "I don't see why not. It sounds like they really need it." "Of course they do. You are so generous, Senator." And there it was. For $650 grand to the Senator and $3.4 million to me, those idiots over on the island would finally get that plant they've been trying to build for decades. The gallant and nattily dressed Ibreheff swoops down into places like Pacific islands and American Indian reservations, offering leaders there untold access to power. "I can get you what you need," he assures them. "Just tell me. We'll work out the contract later. Shouldn't cost more than a few million, but you'll make that much and more in return." John's "friends" in DC barely even notice when John asks for them to pay special attention to a little-seen item in a Congressional bill or a "minor little" earmark that would send money toward one of John's clients. Critics who have seen the leaked chapters note that the story is about far more than backroom intrigue in not-so-smoky bars. "There's a running sub-plot about a contract murder in Florida that would do The Sopranos justice," raved one critic. Not sexy? Not all critics are impressed with what they've seen so far of Abramoff's new novel. "Where's the sex?" asked Michael Musto of the Village Voice. "Where is his Pussy Galore or Jinx?" Musto insisted that the novel will "sink like K-Fed-Ex in cement boots" if Abramoff doesn't kick up the sex appeal. "The genre requires it," Musto insisted. "There must be at least one or two sexy seductresses here... or is that seductri? I'll ask Keith." Although they've asked not to be mentioned by name, other critics agree. "The public isn't going to give a rat's ass about these boring back-room deals until he adds a sexy vixen into the mix," said one. Maryland hideaway Abramoff's agents insist that their client is sensitive to the criticism. "The book isn't finished yet. They should never have released what they did," the agents said, referring to the chapters leaked by his publisher. "It's going to be both exciting and sexy when he's done with it." In late 2006, Abramoff left Florida and reportedly moved to a hideaway in Maryland where he will reportedly continue to work on his novel. Jack Abramoff, realtor Jack never helped anyone buy a home either. External Tubes *Jack to have a new roommate